Here are some jokes from http://www.stta-consulting.com/jokes/stm_jokes.htm:
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“The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.”
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“A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.”
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“Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.”
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"Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…"
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“You know you’ve gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 1,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.”
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“An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.”
A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are shipwrecked on a desert island with only a can of beans to eat and no way to open it.
The physicist makes a suggestion: “I can calculate just the right angle, mass, and velocity of a projectile that will knock the top off the can.”
“No!” the economist cries, “That might spill the beans.” The chemist then says, “I can make a compound from some local plants that will eat through the tin and open the can.” “Fool! That would contaminate the beans!” says the Economist.
Exasperated, the other two ask the economist if he has a plan. “Of course!” says the economist, “The solution is simple. First, we assume we have a can opener…”
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“Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.”
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?
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“An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.”
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “We got it! We got it!”
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“I asked an economist for her phone number…and she gave me an estimate.”
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“I’m thinking of leaving my husband,” complained the economist’s wife.
“All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be.”
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An Economist is someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.
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They say that Christopher Columbus was the first economist. When he left to discover America, he didn’t know where he was going. When he got there he didn’t know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
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A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
-9) There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, “Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”
