The code has been cracked

[ama_gi]

Some times, I type random things and save them on my hard drive. When I read them weeks and months later, I’m quite impressed with what I wrote, either from its humorous value or its accuracy.

While I wrote this in a shock-jock, tongue-in-cheek manner, I believe that what I wrote is 100% true: you’ll notice that the words and phrases below are used by the Establishment frequently, and always in the same context. I guess I cracked the code.

GOVERNMENT CATCH-PHRASES EXPLAINED!!!

Have you ever listened to a political talking-head spout off and wondered, “What the hell is he talking about?” It’s happened to all of us. They use a ring of euphemisms to circle around an issue without explaining what they mean. I’m about to do that for you, as you will see.

I’ve arranged in alphabetical order a list of words and phrases used by government officials and politicos, followed by a thorough explanation. Enjoy.

ACTION-- a euphemism for killing people.

Shocking, I know, but true. Whenever a government official speaks of “taking action,” he means killing people. For example, when the soldier is missing in action, it means he went missing while killing people. When he is killed in action, it means he is killed while killing people.

Even journalists use the A-word. For example, one journalist wrote that the Navy SEALS were authorized to “take action” if Somali pirates threatened the life of a hostage. So next time the President calls for “powerful, decisive action,” talk to your recruiter and sign up to kick ass!

AMERICA’S CHILDREN-- a euphemism for the American people.

The people who run this country think that you are a child. They think we are all children; otherwise they wouldn’t use a euphemisms such as the one above. Next time you hear politicians talking about “saving America’s children” from the horrors of the fast food industry, they are talking about YOU, fatass!

BAILOUT-- this one is surprisingly straightforward; it means bailing people out. See, if you’re a deadbeat, you have to move in with your parents. If you are a deadbeat with Washington connections, you can have the government give you billions of dollars!

BULLSHIT-- Something that just happens. Bullshit happens everywhere, but it is only visible from a distance. The political spectrum is divided into two areas by a line known as an aisle. No matter where you are, you can only see bullshit on the other side of the aisle. This is due to special relativity.

DICTATOR-- a ruthless, sociopathic political leader. A dictator does evil things, like rigging elections, embezzling money, waging wars for oil, and brainwashing the youth in government-run schools. Of course, dictators are always someplace else, like Africa or the Middle East; we don’t have dictators in our country.

ELECTION-- A festive event in that involves a lot of travel, a lot of money, and a lot of bullshit.

FREEDOM-- a word you never hear anymore. Nobody knows what it means.

GAFFE-- what happens when a politician tells the truth.

GUN VIOLENCE-- a phrase used to describe the savage practice of individuals owning firearms for self-protection rather than relying on the government. Keep in mind that when the government shoots people, that is not “gun violence”; that is just “swift and decisive action”.

IS-- a word that is impossible to define perfectly. Most politicians don’t know what it means.

JOURNALIST-- somebody whose job is to remind you that the world is a scary place full of terrorists. Journalism consists of three steps: Lights! Camera! ACTION!

PEACEKEEPING FORCES-- Armed forces sent to politically unstable areas of the globe. Usually, peacekeepers arrive in a region immediately before a war erupts.

PRESIDENT-- the man whose job is to save the world. He never quite succeeds in saving the world, however, which is why we need a new President every four to eight years.

RESPONSIBILITY-- a word used by our mommies and daddies in Washington use to teach us manners. Different kinds of responsibility are social responsibility, corporate responsibiliy, public responsibility, and “our responsibility”. Nobody really knows what that word means.

STIMULUS-- The sexual arousal politicians feel from spending billions of dollars. They feel this arousal from the thinking about how giving away billions of dollars will win them sexual favors bought and paid for by large corporations.

TERRORIST-- somebody who is royally p*ssed at the U.S. government. You don’t have to be a mass murderer to be considered a terrorist; you might be called one just for having a Ron Paul sticker on your vehicle.

[Nielsio]

Pretty good!

GOVERNMENT - a euphemism for the ruling class.

TAXES - a euphemism for ransom.

FEDERAL RESERVE BANK - euphemism for printing press.

[liberty_student]

VOTING = PRAYING

STATE = CHURCH

POLITICIANS = ALCHEMISTS, PRIESTS, WIZARDS

LEGISLATION = INCANTATIONS

PEACE = MONOPOLY

AUTHORITY = VIOLENCE

[Kakugo]

That’s pretty good actually! [:)]

I would only make a few tiny amendments:

AMERICA’S CHILDREN-- a euphemism for the American people. The people who run this country think that you are a retarded child.

ELECTION-- A festive event that gives everybody the occasion of doing something stupid and dangerous once in a while.

FREEDOM–A word used by politicians to indicate they don’t have to suffer the consequences of anything they do. This includes killing people half a world away, propping up dangerous individuals as “great friends of democracy” and squeezing blood out of beets (that’s an old saying we have around here, you know what that means)

[Snowflake]

HAAAH new facebook status!

STIMULUS: When you want to boost economic growth so you print money and give it to the rich people who caused the mess. Also printing money is free and has no negative consequences. STIMULUS! [H]

[Thedesolateone]

@Snowflake

STIMULUS: When you want to boost economic growth so you print money and give it to the rich people who caused the mess. Also printing money is free and has no negative consequences. STIMULUS!

I think even funnier is the fact I highlighted and copied this bit, ready to facebook status it, then read

@Snowflake

HAAAH new facebook status!

perfect

[Stephen_Forde]

@ama gi

PEACEKEEPING FORCES-- Armed forces sent to politically unstable areas of the globe. Usually, peacekeepers arrive in a region immediately before a war erupts.

Yes, war is peace. Machiavelli, step aside. 1984 is the modern manual for achieving power.

[DarkCatalyst]

@Stephen

@ama gi

PEACEKEEPING FORCES-- Armed forces sent to politically unstable areas of the globe. Usually, peacekeepers arrive in a region immediately before a war erupts.

Yes, war is peace. Machiavelli, step aside. 1984 is the modern manual for achieving power.

I think that what’s happening in the world today is closer to Huxley’s vision: http://i.imgur.com/zP5fa.jpg

[Prateek_Sanjay]

SOCIAL JUSTICE

Submission to the will of Allah government

AUTHORITY

Use of violence for achieving social justice

[ama_gi]

@Snowflake

STIMULUS: When you want to boost economic growth so you print money and give it to the rich people who caused the mess. Also printing money is free and has no negative consequences. STIMULUS!

My definition was better! See original post.