When moving into your new home, some of you may have found that some things have gone missing, usually from your wallet. Electricity, gas, and water seem to be running less efficiently and food is disappearing from your cupboards. Even the clocks are wrong. Within a month, your house has turned derelict. Well, no fear - your house has an ailment that many estate agents abstain from mentioning; your house is inhabited by a Government!
This manual will give you some tips for dealing with your Government.
What is a Government?
A Government is an uninvited guest into your house that causes trouble and is prone to bouts of incompetence, physical harm, and even tyranny. They are usually around 3-4 feet in height, have long grey beards, a big black moustache, and a gigantic reclining forehead. Come to think of it, they have many physical similarities with a man named Karl Marx. That’s probably just a coincidence, though. They often sneak in through the back door when you leave it unlocked and will live anywhere that is inconvenient to you. They are quite easy to catch, however, as they run very slowly and often trip on their own feet.
What will my Government do?
Your Government will do its utmost to look after you. This may sound a good thing but in actual fact they are absolutely awful creatures and rarely do anything right. For example, never let your Government wash dishes - they will break every single one. There are certain activities outside of destroying your household that your Government likes to take part in.
You may think it a good idea to let your Government run its own pet project. You might think this will distract it. This is a disastrous idea. A typical conversation may go like this;
You: What are you doing?
Government: Just building a bridge from New England to Brittany.
You: That’s amazing. How are you going to build that?
Government: With money.
Your Government may come back to your house bearing gifts. This might seem like a good thing at the time, but it is really not. You MUST return the items as soon as your Government does this - the gifts are often stolen or else counterfeit and you could get in trouble for your Government’s actions, as Governments rarely if ever take responsibility for their failures. A typical conversation may go like this;
You: Where did you get that?
Government: Oh, I bought it.
You: Really? That’s expensive. Where did you get the money?
Government: Oh, I just went on your computer and printed some off. I hope you don’t mind.
Governments love to play. However, it is critical you monitor your Government’s play. Governments are naturally violent and some of the games your Government loves to play most are toy soldiers, bureaucrats, and cops and robbers. Here are examples of some typical conversations.
You: What are you playing?
Government: Find the WMD.
You: Why don’t you check the WMD box?
Government: Hold on, I’m just looking in the sandpit right now.
You: Why did you put a padlock on the fridge?
Government: Do you have a license to use that fridge?
You: No…
Government: Just doing my job. Here, fill out these forms.
Never let your Government talk to or play with another Government. All Governments are different but they are all equally narrow minded and will fight each other on the slightest disagreement. Governments have been known to start fights with each other over reasons as petty as who won a football game or what religion the other Government is. Governments are vicious and the fights are usually very protracted and extremely bloody affairs. They are also prone to lying and will never admit it was them who threw the first punch. Keep knives out of reach of your Government - the deadlier a Government is, the more right they seem to believe they have to start fights with other Governments. Although this may seem like a good thing, fights between Governments usually spill out into all parts of a house and result in large quantities of broken furniture, and can even result in small fires. They may get other Governments (they often form friendship cliques of Governments who are roughly similar and name themselves all sorts of silly acronyms) involved and if this is the case it will only increase the carnage. They are best avoided.
It is also critical you never let your Government play games, because it is a very sore loser. Governments have been known to kick up an awful fuss if they don’t get their way and often will just go and do it anyway. Never play Monopoly with your Government; the second he looks like he may lose he will insist on putting his hotels on every location. He will insist that you have too many hotels when he has more hotels than you and he will often take piles of your money to buy hotels with. Furthermore, your Government may want access to your wallet. Never let it. It will use the money to buy things for other people that they don’t want or don’t need. However, you need to look after your wallet from now on, as your Government will steal from it anyway even if you don’t hand it over.
You: What are you doing?
Government: Taking some money from your wallet.
You: Why?
Government: The baker’s son is hungry. I’m going to buy him some bread.
Education is key to your Government. If you can teach your Government some key lessons it may become more managable. That said, do not give your Government art lessons.
You: What are you doing?
Government: Oh, just some drawing.
You: What are you drawing on?
Government: The US Constitution.
However, regardless of how well you educate your Government, rarely will it become tolerable. The best thing to do if you find a Government infestation in your house is simply to abolish it. This can be done by dropping two tablets of pure Liberty into your Government’s next drink (they are fond of whiskey, especially while playing.) and the problem will go away.