Santa Claus, the notorious communist who evaded U.S. capture for years was killed yesterday in Seattle, but his getaway drivers codenamed reindeer, including his top lieutenant (codenamed Rudolph the Red) escaped.
Preliminary investigation suggests poisoned milk and cookies were the cause, according to the ongoing FBI investigation.
“We will discuss this matter further after our investigation is complete,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.
Santa, a communist infiltrator, vied for the hearts and minds of children across the world by bribing them in accordance with his each-according-to-his-need-depending-on-how-they-behaved list.
U.S. government officials have denied any involvement after Cuban dictator Fidel Castro immediately accused the U.S. of killing Santa.
“They tried to do that to me,” said Fidel on national Cuban television. “Exploding cigars, poisoned food, assassination teams, they were out to get me, but failed.”
The CIA has repeatedly sought to capture or kill Santa.
“We had nothing to do with this,” said CIA Director Leon Panetta. “We are cooperating with the new elf regime in the North Pole to aid our own investigation into this matter.”
The White House initially declined to comment, but a recently released the following statement:
“He crushed the elf unionization movement, ignored FAA regulations, embodied obesity, and refused to comply with recent healthcare legislation. As a terrorist who provided aid and shelter to WikiLeaks, he got what he deserved.”
While Congress nearly completely agreed with the critical commentary on Santa, libertarian Republican congressman Ron Paul disagreed in a 434-to-1 vote.
“He was not a communist,” said Ron Paul. “He refused to price his goods and services leading to perpetual increasing demand worldwide. The Soviet Union gave him aid because he was an enemy of the U.S., not an ideological ally. Before that, how did Santa even survive in the North Pole? He was another puppet regime of the U.S. Once the Santa regime strayed to far from the U.S. Empire’s wishes, he was terminated.”