I recently came across many Bush jokes. Here they are and I hope you enjoy them:
“A new poll shows that only one out of four people approve of the job President Bush is doing. One out of four. That means, when he’s having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he’s the only one at the table who thinks he’s doing a good job.” --Jay Leno
“President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we’re making so much progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is.” --Jay Leno
“An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that’s not fair. Here’s a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad’s money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That’s not a moron, that’s genius!” --Jay Leno
“President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that.” --Jay Leno
“President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.” --Jay Leno
“President Bush threw out the first ball the other night at the Washington Nationals home opener. Boy, wasn’t is nice to see Bush throwing out something other than the Constitution?” --Jay Leno
“Did you all have a nice Presidents’ Day yesterday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way – by ignoring the other two branches of government.” --Jay Leno
“Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise.” --Jay Leno
“According to a new poll, President Bush’s approval rating is at an all-time low but Kerry still can’t catch up with him. So people don’t like Bush but they don’t seem to like Kerry very much either. We have two guys nobody wants to vote for. No wonder we can’t sell democracy in Iraq, we can’t even give it away here.”
Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam. – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That’s not true. Bush’s dad was the protection from the draft.” – Jay Leno
“By the way, here’s a late-breaking bulletin . . . from the Bush White House. The White House Christmas tree has submitted its resignation.”
Jay Leno: “Well, they had the annual Easter egg roll today at the White House. That was kind of fun. And President Bush did not miss an opportunity. He told the kids that the Easter Bunny would be out of eggs by the year 2030. . . . And that 4% of all their eggs should be put in a private account, so they can later . . . they can use it, yeah.”
David Letterman: "Down in Washington they had the annual big Easter egg hunt out there on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio. . . .
“But at the White House Easter egg hunt, no eggs were actually found but President Bush continues to claim that they are there.”
Jay Leno: "In political news, President Bush’s approval rating, all-time low, 45%. 45%. That’s below ‘F.’ Bush is now doing worse as President than he did in high school. . . . Well, President Bush – hey, he’s very concerned about it. He said, ‘If this keeps up, I’ll never get elected to a third term.’ "
David Letterman: "You folks following the scandal with Karl Rove? Earlier today, President Bush says that he doesn’t want to act too quickly. And does not want to act before he has all of the facts. And I was thinking, ‘Jeez, this doesn’t sound like the President Bush I know.’ "
"How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? "Ten.
"1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
"2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
"3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
"4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
"5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
"6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner ‘Bulb Accomplished’;
"7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally ‘in the dark’ the whole time;
"8. One to viciously smear No. 7;
"9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
“10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.”
Jon Stewart on “The Daily Show”: "While his Iraq policy is coming under fire from his own party, President Bush was in a field of poppies, going on a two-hour bike ride with seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong. “He’s bike riding, he’s jogging five miles a day, lifting weights. Is he preparing for something we don’t know about? Some kind of ‘every man for himself’ scenario comin’ down the pike?”
From “The Daily Show”:
Ed Helms: “Jon, today, finally, a ray of hope. Eight days after Katrina came ashore, the federal government has gotten its act together, marshalling all of its resources in a desperate effort to save this beloved, and now beleaguered, president.”
Stewart: “President? I thought you were talking about New Orleans.”
Helms: "No, that place is [expletive]. But many here believe with quick action, George W. Bush’s reputation can still be saved. . . .
"The main thing is, in a very reassuring sight, the federal government has finally brought in the heavy machinery: The Rove.
“Many believe he’s the one man who can fix the gaping breach in the president’s approval ratings.”
Stewart: “But what impact will that have on the actual rescue effort?”
Helms: “The actual rescue effort? What is your obsession with the horrible humanitarian catastrophe?”
From the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”: “Actually, today, President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what we need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?”
From Jon Stewart on the “Daily Show”: “Little observation: When people don’t want to play the blame game? They’re to blame.”
Jon Stewart, talking to Samantha Bee, on “The Daily Show”:
Stewart: “Alright, Sam, one last question: The president has vowed to personally lead the investigation into the government’s failed response to Katrina. Isn’t that a job someone else should be doing?”
Bee: “Not at all, Jon. To truly find out what went wrong, it’s important for an investigator to have a little distance from the situation. And it’s hard to get any more distant from it than the president was last week.”
Jay Leno: “Vice President Dick Cheney said he is upset when critics say [the administration] lied us into the war. I say fine, just lie us back out and we’ll call it even.”
Jay Leno: "In a speech, President Bush said, ‘As president, I am responsible for the decision to go into Iraq.’ Yeah, well, I don’t think he has to worry about other people trying to take credit for that one. That’s like the captain of the Titanic saying ‘hitting the iceberg, that was my idea.’ "
"Stewart: Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?
"Corddry: Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington’s face.
"Stewart: But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?
"Corddry: Jon, in a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
"Stewart: That’s horrible.
“Corddry: Look, the mere fact that we’re even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know ‘how’ we’re hunting them. I’m sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little ‘covey’ of theirs.”
From Jay Leno on the Tonight Show: “We are now down to the Final Four – not college basketball, but the number of people who still think President Bush is doing a good job.”
From Jay Leno : “A new geographic literacy study claims that less than 4 out of 10 American students can find Iraq on the map. Of course, President Bush has the opposite problem. He can’t find his way out of Iraq.”
Q: How is Vietnam different from Iraq?
A: Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam."
Conan O’Brien: “President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone’s letters without a warrant. If you’re upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister.”
Jay Leno: “President Bush is expected to announce that he is now sending more troops to Iraq – despite the fact that his generals, his military analysts, members of Congress and most of the American people are against the idea. The reason he is doing it? To give Iraq a government that responds to the will of the people.”
"The Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth, met with President Bush over the weekend. You know, I thought this was nice of President Bush. Did you hear what he did? He took the time to learn a little bit of English so he could speak with her. . . .
“Anyway, the Queen was welcomed with a 21-gun salute. Well, 22 if you count Cheney’s gun that went off accidentally.”
Jay Leno: “Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great, the one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn’t bring it.”
Conan O’Brien: “Tomorrow, President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy. So, he’s going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, yeah. That’s right. On the day that millions will be reading the new ‘Harry Potter’ book, Voldemort will be running the country.”
Jay Leno: “Tomorrow, President Bush will undergo a routine colonoscopy. You know what they found the last time Bush had a colonoscopy? His head… While he’s under, they will temporarily transfer power to Dick Cheney. Well, good luck getting that power back, huh? … You know what’s going to happen by noon tomorrow. He will have invaded Iran, Syria and Malibu.”
Jay Leno: “President Bush says these rumors that he’s just getting ready to attack Iran are propaganda. He said he and Cheney were ready months ago.”
David Letterman: “FEMA faked a press conference and earlier today President Bush strongly condemned it at his own fake press conference.”
Jay Leno: “Vice President Dick Cheney went out hunting again today. God, I didn’t even know it was lawyer season. . . . No, actually, Cheney said he was in upstate New York to hunt peasants. Pheasants, I’m sorry.”
Jay Leno: “In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the President was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don’t think the President was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects.”
Jay Leno: “The Pope will be here tomorrow. . . . You know who’s picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It’s the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that’s when you know your presidency is winding down, when you’re picking up people at the airport.”
Conan O’Brien: “Happy Cinco de Mayo. . . . And, of course, the President marked this occasion earlier today. President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the President said, ‘Now, let’s get back to building that fence.’”
Jay Leno: "Human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash. . . .
“The Dalai Lama says while he loves President Bush, he feels President Bush has a lack of understanding about reality. And in response, President Bush said today, 'Yeah, right, like there’s such a thing as a talking lama.”
Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. . . . President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week the US is no longer one of the world’s richest countries.”
Jay Leno: “And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion . . . plan for the government to directly buy shares of the nation’s leading banks to make sure they’re run properly. They’re going to make sure they’re run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is that the people who gave us a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money.”
